Filed under: CHAFF
Travel Notes/Some Interesting Facts I Have Learnt So Far (Courtesy of Joe/Ollie/First Hand experience)
Philadelphia is famous for three things.
1. Cream Cheese
2. That Tom Hanks film “Castaway”
3. Poet Walt Whitman. His most infamous prose was “O Hymen! O Hymenee!” an ode to a special part of a woman.
Aside note: A member of the audience shouted out “I love the Bassist” during the gig and a thousand witty responses raced through my panicked brain before “I don’t love you,” was pathetically mumbled into a microphone. The response reminded me of that noise the Saved By The Bell studio audience use to make, an OHHHH sound mixed up with some “You go girl!” whoops, and laughs of sympathy.
I felt like saying “Don’t humor me! That was rubbish! I know I can do better, just give me twenty minutes and a note pad and I will draw up a list of 8 put downs and we can all vote on the best one!”
Today we passed through Troy, where the patriot Uncle Sam’s “grave” is, which seems odd because he didn’t exist, so I wonder what they keep in there.
Our second show is in Vermont whose most prolific and well-known export for the ignorant British resident is Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream. The scene I imagined when we arrived was one of Cookie Dough streets, rain made of Berry Berry Extraordinaire and trees constructed of Chunky Monkey sprouting apples that tasted of Strawberry Swirl Cheesecake. Sadly reality is always much dimmer then my imagined world, and everything was made of brick and wood and cement.
Aside note: That was the 2nd time I have been to Vermont, the first time I was 14 and it was marred by my continued irrational fear of being eaten by a bear.
According to Joe, Montreal is a good place to buy shoes/feet hats and their national dish is the exotic and slightly questionable sounding “Poutine”, which when roughly translated means “Chips, Cheese and Gravy.” Also people speak French here lots.
When crossing the border to Canada it’s best to put a charming British lady at the front rather then Neil. His beard was deemed a bit too patchy by Joe.
Extra fun additional Ollie fact: When JFK was assasinated his head rolled back and to the left, which conspiracy theorists use as evidence to support the idea that there was a 2nd shooter on the grassy knoll. Somehow this is linked to Ollie’s Bacon Sandwich, as he started shouting “back and to the left!” when Tom’s eager little mouth was approaching it. I don’t really get it either.
Singing Celine Dion at the Canadian Border means you get pulled in for two hours. BORING.
Aside realisation: This is probably because we are a band on tour rather then because we mocked their most beloved export after Adams and Lavigne. Most patrol guards expect to open your van and find coked up strippers downing Jack Daniels bottles whilst crying with a heroin needle sticking out of their dismantling veins having photos taken by Vice magazine.
The tour lifestyle at the moment is more like sitting in a van for 6 hour stretches and talking about bowel movements whilst gazing at a lovely view and listening to music, it’s all rather relaxing.
Two ways we passed the time at the border whilst waiting to be approved to cross were:
1.Gareth making up film plots that were thinly veiled mash up’s of all the films he has feasted his eyes on, which is about 3. This includes Brue Wills bonding with a little kid then turning out to be a cow, and then a ghost, he deemed this “The Non-sense.” I found this a rather predictable concept and felt he had compromised himself in order to give it a Hollywood feel that felt compromised. The idea with the most potential was the Whoopi Goldberg and Jack Black vehicle he proposed. Goldberg and Black have to work together to get their gospel choir to the final of the Battle of the Bands competition, the only problem being that they are in space, Black is on the run, and also a ghost.
2.Recounting tales of our childhood, it’s amazing how many of us made prank calls, played knock down ginger, mooned old peoples homes and put breeze blocks in the middle of roads for a laugh. Oh the follies of youth.
3. Deciding which fictional cartoon animals you would most like to make love to, which I ruined when I pointed out that Jessica Rabbit was a rabbit only by marital name and not biologically. The Cadbury’s caramel bunny was present, as was the fox from Maid Marion. Sadly the male cartoon animal sex symbols are lacking, but I always had a soft spot for Nemo.
Aside note: Beef Jerky with anchovies are weird and salty.
We are now on our way to Toronto which is famous for Vests, which roughly translates as Waistcoats.
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