On being sober,alone and nosey in a hotel room in Toronto… by Gareth
April 2, 2009, 5:20 pm
Filed under: CHAFF

I’d like you to write about the person you have liked the most at any one time. I mean romantically, not best friend nonsense. Unless that person was also your best friend, in which case wisen up losers (I jest). It may have been fleeting, but the moment that came closest to fooling you there’s such a thing as ‘true love’, whatevs. You mightn’t ever have told the person, or have been together, but y’know.

Tell me what that person was like and why you felt like you did, and maybe why you stopped, but that’s not so important. I will make no judgments.

This is for no purpose other than my own general interest. I am genuinely interested to hear your stories, however brief.

I’ve changed the blog settings so that you don’t need to leave a name or email to comment, so you’ll be completely anonymous. I’ll leave it like that for just a day or two.

I am not playing this game,




46 Comments so far
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I got my first ever boyfriend in tenth grade. His name was Nathan. After dating about a year we got engaged. (Yes, we were sixteen. We were stupid). I thought I really loved him.
At about the two-year mark, we started getting rocky. We kept breaking up over stupid things. Then we decided to take a break just before senior prom. We got back together a week later. A month after that, I found out that while we had been broken up he slept with his coworker. He apologized and we dated for another month or so until he broke up with me for the aforementioned coworker (affectionately known in my house as “Stacy the whore”). That lasted a couple of weeks, but by then he tried to get back together with me. It was hard, but I’ve successfully managed not to continue our relationship since then. Now he sends me texts on Christmas and my birthday saying he misses me and loves me, but I realize how pathetic he was. Now that we’re over, I can see all the flaws in his character. While we were happy and “in love” during our last high school years, I can now clearly see the small, neurotic boy he actually is.


Comment by anonymous

The first person I was in love with was, actually, my best friend. We were pretty much closer than close, so it seemed like a natural progression. She was brilliant at everything she put her hand to, stupidly romantic, absolutely gorgeous, funny, and loved me back for a period, which was the best thing, because it made me believe I could be all of those things too.

I fell in love before I fancied her. And I fell in love because I’d never actually met someone that close to me in spirit before, in sentiment and just.. I couldn’t really believe she existed, since she seemed so wonderful. Obviously she wasn’t, but it seemed like that to me. It was brilliant at the time, but now I realise how much it fucked over my self-esteem.

I fell out of love because she changed, I guess. We both did. We grew apart. She found someone else who I guess is pretty much the same for her. I used to be bitter about it but I’m not, now. You only get a shot at that sort of thing once in a lifetime, I reckon, and I’m lucky I even had it once.

Comment by Anonymous

His name was Connor. He was stupid, and funny, and a better person than i could ever be simply because he lacked hesitance and bullshit. He had reddish brown hair, was terrible at math, and would make the filthiest jokes to get me to blush; i wouldnt. We spent a semester of photography class cutting out magazines and flirting in the darkroom. Our relationship was the most exhausting game of tug of war. We almost kissed on my bed once, but we were still playing this game where not kissing was sexy and fun; it wasnt. The last time I saw him, he was driving his grandmother for coffee where i worked. we talked about his ex girlfriend and Hawaii. it is the saddest fucking thing to miss something that never really happened.

Comment by Hilary

Personally I think I’ve learnt that these moments are consistent. I think that consistency is, perhaps, a big part of knowing you have found love. Most recently I experienced one of these moments just yesterday. Everyone annoys everyone, I maintain that no two humans can possibly coexist entirely peacefully – that uniqueness which we so adore is also the greatest friction between people. Anyway, my partner had (unknowingly) upset me, as people sometimes do, the evening before. And my mind had been self-absorbed in that great fug of depression and angst and all the other teenage emotions which seem ‘oh-so important’ at the time. I was walking around and thinking and it sort of struck me why they did what they did. I could see the thought processes behind it, the logic and emotions behind the actions. I sort of realised no one else could possibly see that aside from me and my partner. Knowing someone that well is indicative of love, or too much time spent together I guess. They might be the same thing anyway.

What are they like? Amazing, wonderful… all the traditional adjectives which underpin these things. Outwardly talkative, chatty and desperate to know everything and everyone. Spiritually naive, assuming and hoping that everyone has some good in them despite what the world may show them. Accepting, understanding… seemingly frail but strong when I need them most. I couldn’t possibly convey it all in words, not really and truthfully. They are someone who has found the good in me, shone a light on it and brought it to the fore. They have made me better.

The anonymity of the internet is amazing. I’m posting this in good faith that what I say won’t be ripped to shreds by cynicism. Y’know I don’t think people as stupid as me can be brought down by logic anyway.

Comment by Anonymous

the first person i ever felt all ‘OMG U IZ WEL NCE YH?!’ about lived in ireland, (i won’t go splurging names out all over your lovely wordpress based blog of genius, because a) it wouldn’t really make any difference and b) she might even read this, which would be facepalm.) whereas I live (and still do) in England. (n.b. For fuck sake, when you’re over here next come to Cambridge yeah? I’ll fit all seven of you in my house, i’m punk as fuck)
she was quite possibly one of the nicest people i will ever know, but i suppose anyone would say that about someone they felt that close to. we had a lot in common and she was generally one of those people who would do anything for anyone. even though it was long distance she still managed to make me feel better about most things than anyone. which is a feat seen as I’m a complete misanthrope.
I never got the chance to meet her; actually we rarely even speak anymore. She had to move to france around 6 months into us being whatever we were and our friendship never really recovered from it as lots of things changed around that time for both of us.
so after all that i promised myself, for my overall sanity and general wellbeing that i’d ever be with anyone who wasn’t in the same country as me.
my current girlfriend lives in california.
peace out!

Comment by grth.

she’s cold and brilliant, like an led light bulb. we met a long time ago- i was (and still am) friends with her brother in middle school. she was (and, i guess, still is) a year younger than us, and at the time, that meant she was annoying, but over the years, she continued to like the weird music that we were listening to (and she was always around), so she just became a part of “the gang”. we eventually grew closer, and just as my monstrous crush on her looked poised to become something more, something reciprocated, she moved to fresno after my 11th grade year. correspondence was sparse after that, though i kept in better touch with her brother.

this continued until last year, when her brother started showing up at my house every few weeks or so, ever the welcome surprise. it was the first i’d thought about her in a while, but i didn’t see her again for a few months more. she had stayed close with another friend of ours, and when that friend moved up to the city, she now had a person to visit. and just like that, she was plopped back into my life. we went to a gallery opening a few months ago where one of her paintings is displayed, and we stayed up the whole night talking and walking around, picking up exactly where we left off.

she’s wholly beautiful, she paints the way i write, she shares my passion for early-90’s rap and pavement, and she generally understands things in a way similar to myself. and she’s going to my school next semester. niice.

Comment by Anonymous

Though it’s not my own story, it struck me that you’d really enjoy this website that’s basically one or two lines for the lovesick and/or lovelorn.

I usually pop by when I’m listening to music that reminds me how great it can be to nurse a crush on someone.

Comment by lineout

She was the friend of my best friends anoying girlfriend, I fell for her because of her musictaste but luckily there were more to her than that. Unfortunatly she never loved me, even though we became great friends over time. When I finally asked her out she said yes but at the end of the evening she told me that she was seeing someone else. That evening was like an emotional plane-crash…

The anoying bit is that the other guy was a total idiot… …but I guess it was for the better, seeing that she is in England now and I’m stuck in my miserable hometown in Sweden. Distance relationships have never been my thing.

Btw, Crouch’s goal and celebration was brilliant, The Robot is back!

Comment by Anonymous

She is the greatest person in the world. We used to walk home from school every day together with our friends and we’d talk about everything. Sometimes when one of us was down or not feeling well we wouldn’t talk. We didn’t need to, we just needed to be there.
We both collect vinyl, she hasn’t got a TV (which i rather admire), we like lots of the same music, we both like photography, the list goes on. But I didn’t realise that she felt the same way till it was too late. She’d moved on 😥

Comment by Christophski

Was madly in love with a girl, spent all my time with her, 4 hour conversations every night, she felt the same about me. we had our fall outs mainly because the whole thing was so intense, we were both mad for each other. If one of us missed a phone call, or was a bit late when we were supposed to meet, we’d flip out. I loved her because she was just awesome though. Similar music taste, same sense of humour, was great to talk to, was great to be around.

Eventually she decided one day that she didn’t love me anymore. No idea why, I never found that out. She just didn’t love me anymore. Life goes on, still see her occasionally at gigs and stuff, hard to avoid.

Comment by Anonymous

“That’s it!” She said. “It’s over.”

Then she handed him a piece of paper.

“What’s this?” He asked.

“It’s your receipt.” She replied.

“My what?”

“Your receipt for our relationship.”

“My what?” He was rightfully confused however the question came too late. She had walked away leaving him holding all that was left of his most recent relationship.

He asked aloud: “What am I supposed to do with this?”

A stranger overheard the desperate question. “Go to the address. The one on the receipt.”
Surprised he confronted the stranger. “You know what this is?”

The stranger smiled compassionately and said “Just go to the address.”

Depressed and with little else to do, due to his recently cancelled plans, he went to the address.

After a short walk he entered a government building. Viewing the building’s tenant listings he saw the office he was looking for. In bold 3-d lettering was:


On the third floor he was greeted by a queue of long faced men and women. Quietly he joined the solemn and waited his turn. When it came, he was greeted by by a clerk with a sympathetic smile and a bureaucratic understanding of his needs. She asked for the receipt and then
excused herself. She returned holding a plain cardboard box. The clerk handed him the box, asked him to sign a form and wished him a nice day.

At home he opened the box. Inside was a bottle of shampoo.

“Shampoo!” He was incredulous. “Shampoo!” He said it again but it did not change the fact that all that was in his box was a simple bottle of shampoo. He was mad. He could not believe that his relationship came down to hair soap.

Disappointed, he placed his relationship back in the box and put the box in a cupboard.

Several months later he found himself in need of some shampoo. Not wanting to go to the store, he remembered his ex-girlfriend. With some lingering resentment he removed the shampoo from its box and declared that it was time to wash his hair with his former relationship. In the shower he read the usage instructions on the bottle. They were:

Apply to wet hair.
Place a small amount in your hand.
Bring to lather in your hair.
Rinse and repeat if necessary.

The next day he would ask the new girl in accounting out on a date.
Her name was Jill.

Comment by m

Will people think less of me if I say that after 6 years, I still haven’t moved on? She’s cute. Not beautiful or gorgeous, just really cute. Green eyes, freckles and a sense of being that is very unique; at least in the shithole where I study. She helped me pass through a hard time without even realizing it and that was perhaps the best time of my life. A year after, I told her that she had changed about a year ago and we stopped speaking for a while. That was when my LC! binge grew, btw. We talk now, but not like we used to. We never really got anywhere after that; apparently she never had any feelings for anyone, so why would it be for a wretch like me? I would go into more details but I’m pretty paranoid so I’ll just leave it at this.

Comment by Anonymous

I was in love with my best friend for 2 and half years until I found a vinyl copy of The Songs of Leonard Cohen and then it was over.

Not to Gareth but to readers: If you think you love your best friend, end it as soon as is convenient and then go out and get with as many people/whoever you can. Even if they are crazy catholic girls who are nice when you meet them but then stop talking to you and any mutual friends a month later, dump you, write you a note (a note? what is this 5th grade?) and then egg your car when you tell her you got Win Butler of the Arcade Fire to sign the note she wrote just under where she had signed it.

Comment by Garrett

Oh shit I meant whomever you can
Sorry all

Comment by Garrett

I haven’t been in love yet. There is this boy in my school though. He is by far the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen. He has blonde curly hair, the kind of hair that makes you want to run your fingers through it all the time. And there is something about his neck and hands, he’s got the nicest hands (and neck) I’ve ever seen. He’s always wearing colourful jeans and that makes me smile.

The first time I saw him was the second day of school which was a “bonding” day where we first-years were supposed to get to know the older people at school in different groups. He was in my group and he was late. At one point during the day he folded a paper airplane, a looping plane to be exact. I love paper airplanes.

Whenever I see him I can’t stop looking and I feel like kissing him, and maybe he’s noticed that and thinks I’m really stupid or something. He is a senior and in about two months I’m probably never gonna see him again and that makes me sad. I’m not in love but he is so lovely to look at. Maybe I’m just shallow but who dosen’t like pretty things, colourful jeans and paper airplanes?

Comment by Alice

Broke up with my girlfriend 2 months ago.
Her name was Meg.

She was beautiful, funny and really really kind. She was one of those people who was completely gorgeous but too nice and shy to know it.

I managed to get her after a couple of months of trying, we were mates kinda first. I’ll never forget our first kiss, it was in the middle of manchester… i don’t think i’d be lieing if i said it was one of the best days of my life.

The best day of my life was my (16th) birthday on january the 21st, she was so cute, so brilliant, it was also so… perfect.

And then we fell apart.
Like i said she was really nice and shy… but too shy, she wasn’t open to me. Stuff i did would annoy her but she wouldnt fucking tell me! And it built, and built and she ended it just a week after saying she’s willing to give me one more chance.

That was, Febuary the 11th or 12th. So it’s almost 2 months later. It still hurts, i don’t even speak to her no more, it was just messy. She showed a massive absense of tact, doing a couple of things that drove me really mad and i had a go at her, and well… that ruined it >:{

Worse thing, because it’s my first love, i got so close as a mate too so i miss her in every way.

It hurts seeing her moving on without me, but on the other hand i dont want to lose complete touch with me. It’s a fucking mess.

The memories are there but, “So perfect, so bitter. We laugh, then we choke” pretty much sums up how it feels when i think of them.

I had already listened to LC! by the time we broke up but that’s when i really got into you lot, just everything made sense than it had before “i was sick in my mouth because of the fear of the scent of an ex-girlfriend” and, “i have taught myself that the only way to vaugely get along in love is to love the other slightly less than i get in return”.

I can relate too that.

And its weird. It’s the little things that get to me, remembering stuff like walking her dog with her, the way she smelt, the way she’d tease me and stick out her tongue.

Really upsets me. And i keep feel like i’m getting there… but i’m really not.

Comment by Ste.

I first fell in love at primary school, when a new girl joined the class. I think I must have been six or seven. I rarely spoke to her for the next four years, but the times when we did were still (sadly, I suppose) the most profoundly exciting moments of my life. It was the eyes: they were a mesmeric blue, and absolutely lit up when you said something that interested or amused her. I planned to tell her I loved her on the last day of school when we were exchanging signatures on our commemorative leavers bookmarks. I got the autograph but never told her.

There have been girls since then but nothing quite so profound. Adult experiences of love so often run contrary to the childhood, cartoon ideal of love: big red hearts beating out of chests and fizzing around yr head. It’s hard to marry that pure ideal to things like sex, and whose turn it is to buy milk. But who knows.

The moment I most believed in love was after a romantic weekend with a girl in London I was besotted with. It was one of those weekends where it seemed like nothing that good could possibly have really happened. We parted at the train station with a goodbye kiss, then walked away. After about ten seconds I heard running, and she grabbed me, kissed me, and ran off again. So unnecessary. And, for that reason, divine.

Comment by Matthew

Being in love with your best friend is pathetic, yeah, no argument there. But I’ve got that beat; I didn’t realize I was in love with her until she moved to the other side of the continent, and even then it took a while, and then I realized it in the context of a conversation about us dating, and then she decided that wasn’t a good idea, etc etc etc etc ad nauseum.

It was weird, because having that conversation it was like a fog had lifted and I could look back at the past few years, when we hung out practically every day and talked constantly and, even though we differed on many things, just _got_ each other on a level I despair of ever finding again… few men have kicked themselves as hard as I did when I realised how willfully blind I had been (willfully, by the way, because (as I now realize) part of me had just assumed she’d never want me and so my subconscious didn’t just prevent me from raising the issue, it prevented me from _realizing_ the issue… if I’d done something when she lived here, I truly believe we’d still be together now). The one time in my adult life that I lacked confidence about this sort of thing and of course it’s the one time I’d trade for just about anything else.

I mean, I’m ‘over it’ for most intents and purposes, and certainly there have been others before and since (most recently a girl so sly and so coolly confident that whenever we’re the only two people in a room to get a joke I get this thrill like I’ve measured up to something), but in a very big way she’s always going to be the One That Got Away. We still talk regularly, we still care about each other, but things are a little different. I was happy being her friend before, and now I’m just slightly not, and it hurts. Of course, the sting of that helps when you’re trying to convince yourself not to be in love with someone.

[And just so this is anonymous to everyone but Gareth, I’ll grab that Picastro live show for you soon, eh mate?]

Comment by Anonymous

He rode a unicycle to school the last day of 10th grade. He drew pictures of bears on sticky notes and gave them to me sometimes- his favorite was pandas. I wrote my NYU college essay about his impact on me. I got in. I think they liked him more than me. He was my best guy friend and he loved my best girl friend.

Comment by Anonymous

I ‘chased’ a girl around for about 2 years before I got bored. Recently, I saw her again and didn’t feel anything. I’m contemplating a Morrissey-inspired self-enforced celibate period.

Comment by liz lemon

Her name was Ella and she was Austrailian. We met at camp and togther (along with 3 other boys and 2 other girls) we travelled the USA over the summer. I was madly in love with her because it was like living in a movie. When I was around her I was acting out in my head every stupid romanitc comedy I had ever seen and everything fitted. She was amazing. She was everything I love in girls, she was hilarious, she was really sweet and of course, being Australian, the whole thing was completely implausible and would end up with me in shatters.

After travelling for a while, we hit San Fransisco. Here, she decided to get off with one of the other boys we were travelling with (who actually knew how much I liked her). At this point I walked off and got lost in a forest with myself and my walkman for about 4 hours before discovering the Golden Gate bridge and hiding away for the rest of the day.

I’m still in love with her, she is on the otherside of the world, they are still going out, and he is going to see her this summer whilst I cannot.

But at least we are friends…sure…why not.

Comment by Anonymous

He’s awesome. He’s handsome and extremely tall, he’s ridiculously intelligent but very naive, and he plays what are probably the three sexiest sports (soccer, swimming, tennis). He is so amazing that I can see past the fact that our musical tastes don’t really jive, which I’m pretty sure would be impossible with anyone else. I’m lucky to be a member of the small group of friends with whom he can be real.
I realized I was developing feelings for him when we and some friends went to go see Nosferatu. I’ve had an immense crush on him ever since. I get the feeling that occasionally I’ve been weird around him, what with me being cripplingly quiet and inarticulate, but otherwise, I think we’ve been pretty cool. Good friends and everything.
I entertained the thought, for a while, that he might be gay, but I’ve given up. Despite the evidence, I don’t think it’s the case. I came out to him very recently to maybe make myself feel guilty about being in love with him. It didn’t work, but I should be glad that he’s taken it well so far. I plan on creating a few more scenarios where I can determine whether there’s any way we could ever have a relationship (will be asking him if he wants to see Vivian Girls with me), but I think the best strategy would be to wait. He’s going to Germany for his senior year (he knows like five languages. swoon.), so hopefully I’ll be able to forget about him. If anyone ever offers to send you back in time, transform you into a gay person and enroll you in a high school out in the country, do not accept.
We actually went to one of your shows together, in DC, with some other friends. You ought to remember him, because I’m sure everyone there had to be blown away by his good looks (also he was dancing quite stupidly), but I won’t hold it against you if you don’t. I started liking him and LC! at the same time, and you guys have been much better for me. You were the kick to the pants that I needed in order to realize that I had better not ever fall in love. I’d like to regard it like one of the kids on Wonder Showzen: a neurochemical con job. Which I guess is pretty obvious, but I don’t seem to get it yet, so thanks for being so patient.
btw, I totez enjoy reading your blog entries (and these replies were good reads as well).

Comment by Michael

To say he was anything more than immature would be a lie, but hey, “love” doesn’t make sense. We had a similar sense of humour and a similar outlook on life in general. He basically played with my emotions at his leisure and hurt me repeatedly, and yet somehow, to this day, seeing him still gives me that awfully cliched feeling of wanting to curl up and die. Ah, high school.

Comment by Anonymous

i’m in love with a boy who sees the world in a different light and in a different way than anyone else does. he’s a golden one, with a big heart. all of the poetry i wrote was about him but i never knew it. there’s too many songs that i’ve yet to write about him and letters in the post that he hasn’t gotten yet. i feel like he’ll always be there for me because we are eachothers best friends and that’s what we both need.

Comment by anon

he said ” i know what happened, and i still think you are the most beautiful girl around.” i believed him. i always was a sucker for the picturesque.

Comment by Anonymous

Thinking of how I would respond to this question kept me up last night, and was the first thing on my mind when I woke up an hour and a half before my alarm this morning. I’ve sat here for a while, writing and deleting, staring at the wall, feeling depressed… I’d say I have it pretty bad, again.

He’s beautiful. I can’t identify the moment that made me think that I could easily fall in love with him. It was every fleeting moment, each time I learned of a generic common interest, or obscure similarity. In my mind, our lives would mesh together well.

I haven’t experienced romantic love yet, so naturally I’m quite pessimistic about it ever being a part of my life. I wish it was easier for me to find out what is going on in his head, because the self-deprecating portion of my mind is telling me that I’m deluded, and it’s never going to happen, he’d never even consider it. Of course, that same part of me will keep thinking of him, and overanalyzing the brief moments we spent together. I’ll torture myself until I move on, or hopefully until I find out that I was right this time.

P.S. To whoever posted the link to I love it. Thanks for sharing.

Comment by ProblemSleuth

For nearing a year now, I’ve had my eyes on this one guy. It’s a typically farfetched prospect. I’ve gotten myself into these kinds of situations before. This one is slightly different, because I’m not actually friends with him. Sure, we’re in the same grade and everything, but you know how when you’re in high school and sometimes there are just pockets of people you don’t really get around to associating with.

Basically, he’s an uber-jock. Usually, this would be a downside of sorts, if he weren’t, similarly, incredibly intelligent. He plays representative rugby, so for someone his age he’s fit and, in the words of Mike Skinner, don’t he just know it. He’s tall – check. Sexy, tousled brown hair – check. Gorgeous blue eyes – check. Killer smile – check. Sense of humour – check. It’s ridiculously that he ticks all the boxes and more. Even his name is attractive – it’s not just me, Liam is a really sexy name, right?

Naturally, at a private, Catholic all-boys school, such thoughts are frowned upon. So chances are I will never be able to express any of this to him, and I dare not do it now, for fear of not only his rejection, but my friends and peers as well. However, I continue to have the typical, “is he or isn’t he? Is it possible? Surely, it is just a little bit possible?” type thoughts. And I spent most of my waking moments agonising over this sort of thing. It’s awfully distracting and hideously painful, but at the same time, it’s rather comforting to be able to feel like this about someone, even if it isn’t reciprocated.

Comment by L

The guy I had the biggest ever crush on for years finally kissed me 3 days after I started dating my current boyfriend (who I’m still with years later). Worst timing ever.

Comment by Anonymous

Dated a girl for a month. We watched blazing saddles. I left her for a swimmer.

Comment by Anonymous

he’s 17
i’m 14
i can remember being friends with his sister in primary school and going to their house and eating vitamin c tablets and trying to break their garden swing by swinging too high and going to the woods and him wearing yellow cardigans to school and him covering nirvana at our school talent show and seeing him on in town last month reading books and sitting in a vegitarian cafe
and doing nothing.

Comment by .

I’ve always been much too shy to really tell anyone I’ve liked that I really do like them, but I still can’t help falling for them sometimes. There’s a guy at my workplace who’s just wonderful and really really nice, and no matter how I try to get over it I keep finding out things that make me like him even more. We were talking once while he was stocking shelves and we bonded over a love of music and children’s books, because they can often be so much more honest and charming. He’d heard of all of the bands that I love that most people have never even heard of. Maybe something good will happen, maybe not. I can’t help but hope though.

Comment by Anonymous

“Don’t remind me” He said. His hands stopped exploring my face and he turned away. It was our last night together. We were laid in absolute darkness in the spare room of my best friend. Of course, he didn’t stay turned away for long. He was back, and we fell asleep, clutching each other’s hands but being careful not to sleep too close. I left the house at eight. I hugged him and now it was my turn to look away. I left him in bed and walked away without looking back. I made it about halfway up the street before I cried. I cried all the the way back, on and off. I cried because it hurt so much that he’d spent the last eight months with another girl and not me. I cried because he was in every song I listened to, every film I watched. And I cried because I’d been denying it all year. It never went any further than the moment when we clasped hands in the darkness and fell asleep. But it’s the closest I’ve ever been to love…this saga will never be over.

Comment by Anonymous

You spilled my PBR in Madison, but alas you swooned me anyways. You paid me back in Old Milwaukee and all was settled at the end of the day.

So I came to see you again at the Turner Hall Ballroom. It was great except for the kid yelling who was on mushrooms.

That’s my love letter to LC.

Comment by Tyler

I had a crush on a boy who was totally out of my league, as they say. When he returned my affections…I didn’t know what to do. Sans all the other horrible things going on in my life, this time was wonderful. I don’t know what love is, I admit that, let alone ‘true love.’ I believe I may have brushed passed it accidentally, never actually grasping it. The closest I’ve ever come to love would be with this person. I’ve never felt like that about someone (and must admit that I fear I will never feel that way again).
We were together (officially) for a year. I wish I could say it was the best year of my life, but it was only the best six months of my life. Due to the aforementioned horrible things that were going on at the time, things became too difficult and we broke up (read: he dumped me).
The funny thing is, after a period of really hard times, things got better and we remained friends throughout. When we started sleeping together again a year later (minus the official relationship status), things were okay for a while, but soon felt empty. I could tell that something was different with him, with me…with us. I finally told him that all this time I had secretly been nursing this idea that we’d get back together, give it another go. That’s when he told me that never wanted to have a romantic relationship with me again. And I felt my heart break a second time. But in a bittersweet way. I realized that I no longer ‘loved’ him, if that’s what you’d call it, and he felt the same. Now we’re still friends, NOT sleeping together, so I feel like maybe the losses are small. I’m free. And I am still welcome back to that place where I fit so perfectly, tucked into his lap with my head on his shoulder, whenever I need the comfort.

I realize I never sufficiently even touched on our relationship while we were together and things were amazing, but it just seems futile. As probably most people would agree, it’s indescribable. You can’t describe those moments, or at least, I can’t. But just trust me on this one.

Comment by Anonymous

Her name was Lindsay, my girlfriend for 2 years, but early on distance took it’s toll. First it was her going off to Japan to finally leave the shit job she always hated and we talked nearly every morning (Night for her? the hours were pretty fucked) and when she came home I had just graduated and was going home, which put her about a good 3,000 miles/5 KM from me. We still talked but something just felt off. When we started it out she was all I thought about and she’d tell me it was the same, she wrote poetry about her feelings and said it was the happiest she’d felt in years. I’d talk about her excitedly to my friends (much probably to their annoyance with the way I rambled on, much as I’m doing here) She was just somebody who completely got me, growing up under similar circumstances with her home/family life and liked all the same crap I did. I still remember the first time we even talked was a conversation we had was over Fritz Lang’s M and Radiohead’s Kid A. Whenever we’d actually get to hang out again we would but the chances were so rare and with work and grad school and blah blah, but we still talked every night on the phone/online and would share music with each other . It changed though, it became clear the enthusiasm I had and the kind of just complete bliss I was feeling, knowing I was with her and that she loved me didn’t seem returned to the same extent, slight but noticeable alterations to how she would say things as if trying to dissect it of affection or emotions she couldn’t meet. I kept holding on as it got worse and worse, once in awhile there’d be a moment where she’d seem to stumble back to her early self and I think things were better. Finally after more fights and the realization that it would still be 2 years before we finish grad school and could move close we ended. This is pretty recent, so I’m sorry I don’t really have more of a closing for it, just kind of has been awkward ever since. She wants to be friends but even she can’t seem to get the gist of it and it just confuses me, but whenever I think maybe things are about to change and we’ll get back together I remember the last couple months and then doubt it’s anything. The saddest part is if she did want to get back together after all that and knowing it’ll probably happen again, I’d leap at the chance.

Comment by Anonymous

Alright, I’m a bit late on the draw, but here goes. As a seventeen year old girl, I haven’t had the chance to be in many relationships, but also, as a seventeen year old girl, I realize all attempts at something real in my high school are futile and should be dismissed.
And then there was him, sophomore year, he was a freshman, and I could see myself completely settled with the guy. The problem was, I wasn’t sexually attracted to him, at all. Sure, he was good looking enough, he made me greek food and drawings. Our first kiss was on my front porch in the rain after he had walked me home. He was a romantic, that was for sure.
But he shook a bit, and he never made the first move. He talked about nothing but the internet and how much he loved the Gorillaz and Blur.
He refused to listen to anything else.
We clashed on religion, politics, and books. He drew bad anime characters in my sketchbooks, I drew him pictures while high on cough syrup and 102 degree fevers.
He expected me to walk him home from the bus every day, I began to feel taken for granted.
The final straw came when he not only came onto me while I was playing Bully (an awesome video game where you get to beat people up in prep school) but he came onto me by fumbling awkwardly with my right breast and doing what has been pegged ‘doorknobbing’. As he twisted and turned my disgust grew, and then he tried to put his hand down my pants.
Woah, mister, woah.
I faked a cold for two weeks and then broke his poor little heart.
Actually, writing this all out, I don’t know if I ever did love him. I thought I did, but this has now been cleared up. Thank you, LC, for forcing my thoughts into words. Now I am done wondering if I made the right decision, because I know I did.

Comment by Amanda!

Hm, I’m a little late too, but oh well. No one will see this either since I think I’m the only from my high school who even knows LC! exist.

Anyway, I’m seventeen, a senior at a high school outside of Chicago, and I have this thing for languages, so I went to Costa Rica on a class trip last year. Another girl who I had been friends with and was getting closer to at the time seemed to be coming onto me, but I didn’t really find her that attractive, but my best friends convinced me to ask her to prom so I did. We got even closer, I started to feel attracted to her and we kissed the night of prom and started one of those city boy, country girl realationships. I really loved her, but I never said it too her because I knew she would be too afraid to hear it and it might push her away. We did things together–it was almost like we were an old couple, going out to dinner with our best friends (another couple) and watching fireworks downtown, me going to football games to watch her dance, etc. It was everything I had been waiting for after a few failed relationships. We already knew we weren’t going to the same college because I was dead set on U Wisconsin Madison, and she just didn’t want to go there, so we both knew it would end, but sometime this summer. But in January, after nine months together, she took me to the local fast food place and told me she had to talk to me. She started by saying that I was the best friend she ever had, that it was obvious that I knew her so well and that she meant so much to me. And then there was a pause. I asked if that was all she had to say, and she said no, so I finished the sentence for her. I knew it was coming, I knew it was going to end, but I couldn’t believe it ended so soon, and I wanted to be the one who ended it so it didn’t wreck me emotionally. And at first it didn’t. I went to Chicago to see my best friend at college and meet people at parties, and I was having a decent time getting over her while starting to ease out of college life. But then this kid that is the complete opposite of me–born again Christian, conservative, into Chevelle and Buckcherry, lives in the country, etc…decided to make a move and go to prom with her. And she said yes. So my high school years ended with that, and now I’m just getting ready for college. I felt betrayed because she said yes to him, and for about two weeks I lost focus on a lot of things, deleted my facebook (which is unheard of) and just tried to do everything to avoid making this about me because of my jealousy.

As all of this was happening, I was listening to LC. I bought Hold on Now, Youngster right before I went to Costa Rica, and I had a great time having my soon-to-be girlfriend listen to My Year In Lists (she loved the decorating envelopes for foreplay part). But this post reminded me of the Accelerated Readers song, which is so true. I obviously don’t think it was true love, but I loved her and, as my friend says, she came closer to loving me than she ever has with any other person before. So it was nice while it lasted, and she was cute, one hell of a good kisser and a great listener when I needed one. It just ended in a very unidealistic way, which happens a lot with me.

But regardless of all of that, if any of Los Campesinos! has the patience to read this, I’d just like to thank you for making music that seems to take snapshots out of my life and make me realize that I’m not alone in the way I think. You guys are fantastic.

Comment by ryanrainey

when i first met him i hated him. we played “do you know this obscure band, because I do” for three hours. he hated LCD Soundsystem and didn’t know Los Campesinos! and we both loved Joy Division and Patrick Wolf obsessively. but he was pretentious and patronising and awful, always wearing thick rimmed indie glasses and a checked scarf and talking about the musicians he knew. but whenever we saw each other we couldn’t stop looking. the world stood still. and he started to not be so awful. he was nice and funny and remembered every single thing I ever told him.
but i was leaving. i was going away for a long time and whenever we got close he would turn and tell me exactly how many days it was until i was going to get on a plane. he would be lovely and then cruel. one night he up and left me on my own in the city at three in the morning and went home. he played my favorite love song when he djed and stared at me while it played.
we never even kissed. he tried in a lift and was so close before workmen ran in from the cold and he pulled away. he never tried again. i loved him and i’m not quite sure why. the night before i left i got drunk and the club he worked in wouldn’t let me back in after I tumbled over outside. he had to come out to say goodbye, and we held each other really close, but i can’t remember what he said. he made me a playlist of 800 songs to take with me. i turned around and walked away and i knew that was it. i sat in the laneway in the middle of winter crying into my friends lap for almost an hour.
now i’m back, and i don’t see him anymore. it hurts too much. two weeks ago he got on my bus. he tried to wave and i ignored him, i stared out the window and pretended he wasn’t there. i was quietly trembling and going mad again inside. after all this time. and i made him watch me walk away again.

Comment by M

That broke my heart.

Comment by Amanda!

Update on this one: Comment by Anonymous April 4, 2009 @ 4:10 pm
We’re together now…I’ve never felt like this before.

Comment by anonymous

I have never been a fool in this game except for one time that began three years ago almost exactly. I refuse to do it again-not just my heart broke but I could feel my whole body give out, and I am much more sensible of a person than to let something affect me so dramatically. And if I become a cat lady so be it because I don’t miss the relationship aspect, but I dearly miss his friendship. Ok that’s a fucking lie I miss the shit out of him in every way imaginable, but if nothing else I wish we could’ve remained friends. One of the things I loved most was sharing music with him and I have a feeling he would love Los Campesinos! Admittedly, there was a nonsensical air about the whole thing but I liked it, and I think it crazed us in a positive way (if that’s possible). Maybe that’s the key, it’s easy to find a fit for your docile side so you need to be matching the fit for your crazy side …or something.

eh words

Comment by don't believe it

Nunca me he enamorado de nadie…. creo que es frustrante…. supongo que no he encontrado a la persona correcta …..en realidad es triste, creo que no me he dado la oportunidad de mostrar mis sentimientos. Cerca de donde vivo, hay alguien que me gusta mucho, pero no he tenido el valor de decirle nada…. tal vez algún día lo haga y no me sienta como una completa idiota…(Gareth, creo que esta historia no te sirve para nada, pero bueno “What the fuck”)

Una amiga!! … 😉

Comment by No importa

What a lovely little place to fall into. I really enjoyed reading the stories. It brings back so many memories.
I am 52 yeas old, and while I have had many lovers over the years, I have had only one true love. I met him when I was just past my 15th birthday, we married just after my 18th, and 35 years together his life-light faded. He died at the end of May 2008… so it is almost a year that I have been on my own.
But I remember the day I first met him. I remember his long black hair, the way he played his guitars (which I still have) the way he smirked, his quick wit. The torn jeans he always wore. His passion for learning. How he always pushed up his glasses with his middle finger… And how much he loved me. He loved me with all his heart and soul right until the end.
True love does happen. Real deep intoxicating love with great sex and great communication, being with him was so easy, so wonderful. I miss him so much. I feel so lost and lonely. The internet is helpful, but I find myself looking for answers. Inside and out. I don’t know if I will ever love again, but after what I have had, I will happily and with open eyes walk into the arms of another…if I find another… or just walk the rest of my life with the warm memories of a great love. I know a lot of people want someone wonderful for a time, and I had a wonderful someone for 35 years. I really can’t complain, but I do miss him so.
I just wish people could know that there is a big difference between love and lust. and I wish people would realize that experiencing a separation or divorce are very different from becoming a widow. He is gone. The End. My life will never be the same.
I thank you for your stories, and for the opportunity to tell mine. I know I should write about all the amazing lovers I have had… but I wanted to tell you about my True Love.
I miss him.
Big Hug
just me.

I’ll be looking at the moon, but I’ll be seeing you.

Comment by just me

Woops, sorry, I didn’t realize that this was about a group. Feel free to delete my psst.
I found the site as I was playing in Google…. sober and alone…
just me. still and again.

Comment by just me

I fell in love once, and never will again. I found a device that has turned off my heart permanently. I was young and stupid. This person was everything to me. I could say and act stupid and he got it and liked it. Sex was also great. Moved away and tried the long distance thing which never works. He cheated on me loads and in a nut shell that was that. Love isn’t real. Long distance just shows its falsehoods sooner.

Comment by hella shawn penn

I’m going to try and remember as best I can, because it was quite the while ago…
I had a crush on him for 4 years before we actually met. He was way too cool for me and somehow we got sat together in Advanced Math. With his help I got 100 on every assignment, and because he couldn’t help me in exams, I got 40% on the tests and failed with a 51. It was so much fun. He was wonderful and funny and when we kissed for the first time I couldn’t stand up, my knees were so weak.
He had really blue eyes and kissed me on the nose and when we went to different universities, he cried. There was never enough time together.
Our first kiss was to the DVD Menu music from Stranger then Fiction.
I think I’ll try to remember him this way from now on.

Comment by Katelin

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