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Tyra-aide by Ellen
April 8, 2009, 11:51 pm
Filed under: CHAFF

I was in our hotel room in Colorado yesterday and I was following my usual getting dressed routine, socks before shoes, wondering if I could get away with crotchless chaps etc when I found myself inexplicable drawn to The Tyra Banks brigade.

Miss Banks is an incredibly patronizing, ridiculous and annoying person who can often loose herself up her own bottom… but she entertains.

She proclaims that she helped women re discover their inner fierceness with the self assured arrogance of one who firmly believes America’s Top Model sends out positive messages about female friendship and body image…. (love the show, makes you feel ugly.) Saying that I guess I can see how she is a positive role model for young girls, after all she is a hugely successful and clever businesswomen who has made trillions (maybe) out of ANTM and as a brand she might one day take over Oprah or the Beckham Legacy.

HOWEVER this particular episode seemed to eradicate all of those minor benefits of her presence on Earth and made me feel as ill as the first time I reflected on what the “Sex and The City” film proclaimed about women.

She had four self-help guru’s plugging their various books on the show, each boasting about how they could help any destitute and lonely women ensnare themselves a man! It was simple; all they had to do was change or adapt themselves to fit in with a mans ideal following the example of Sandy at the end of Grease.

The first Guru was a male who talked about important issues such as why sleeping with a man on the first date is stupid and makes you a huge slut who no one will ever commit too (cue the studio audience all cheering, they hate those slags) and why trying to hug a man after sex is just unthinkable.

Luckily a rival Guru leapt in proclaiming her book taught women how to con a man into staying the night, the trick was to have a duvet with a 400 thread count which smells of vanilla…. if you are wondering why no man will date you then maybe it’s because you have a blanket with a 399 threat count which smells of strawberries. Men are more likely to stay/hug/ and inseminate you if you follow this advice, because after all ladies isn’t that what we all really want?

 I don’t know much about biology but I do get that men and women are different, their outlooks and viewpoints, social interaction and anatomy can differ, however why did Tyra and her guests assume that all men and women (although different from each other) were essentially the same e.g women are clingy, too obviously desperate and massive ho’s and men just hate intimacy in all forms as well as talking about anything more serious then beer or how they get your name on a grain of rice. (Actually that is a serious talking point).

TYRA DID NOTHING; SHE JUST SAT THERE LAUGHING NOT PROMOTING INNER FIERCENESS.

One of the Guru’s had worked out exactly what it was that men liked or disliked in women by doing a survey for her book. I assume she canvassed her Hollywood neighborhood asking “Personality? Yes or no?” She was smug to the fact she was manipulating insecure readers to take her advice and completely alter themselves to fit in with the idealized image the men she asked (who were probably all as vacuous as her) had created. I think she expected some kind of gratitude.

She informed the single ladies present that men’s favorite scent is something fruity (the men she asked count for the whole population) and their favorite body part is the décolletage (above the boobs and below the neck.) The quick survey I did in the van yesterday tells me this is a lie. Men like vaginas.

But this is beside the point, where was the Guru advising men on how to get a woman to commit to them? Telling all males what clothes and scents and topics of conversations women preferred (if your interested the answers are naked, man smell and me.) Where was the advice on dinner party conversation topics (Guru 2 suggested making a short list before you go on the date, just in case your brain collapses.) I learnt that men hate false nails, but where was the counter argument that women hate men who stuff socks down their pants?

Hmmm?

All the female guru’s stating how they use to be single before they wrote their books did not inspire me. They probably went out in their camouflage gear with poison darts and nets, paralyzing and doping up men outside of clubs having cigarette breaks. The only ray of hope in the sky of despair was when a Guru stated that women have to look hot AT ALL TIMES because men never cross the room for “a brain.” The other Guru interjected that they would cross it for “confidence.” Which is ironic considering that’s all the books seemed to zap away….

Can I just reinstate I know nothing about feminism, or men in general so this is just a meager rant which somewhat angered me. It’s completely biased and ill researched. But still…naughty Tyra.

Ellen x

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18 Comments so far
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I think this rant is awesome, but as someone who is a little OCD about grammar, may I quietly (and with no offense meant!) remind our lovely blogger that apostrophe-s is possessive, not plural (i.e., guru’s = belonging to the guru, whereas gurus = more than one guru)?

Comment by The Grammar Doctor

I don’t buy that thread count matters, but I’d definitely believe that vanilla is better than strawberry. Nutmeg might be worth a go too.

Comment by Sfiera

If you watch her show more you’ll begin to realize how every sentence she speaks basically translate to “Shut up, let’s talk more about me.”

Comment by Peter

My favorite part of the body is hilarious blog posts. And vaginas.

Comment by plumpy

My grammar is appalling, I wont notice errors i make even though I do re read what I have written about six times to check for such things, yet my brain still skips past them… but in my defence it’s your ocd not mine x

Comment by Ellen

It is true that it is my OCD, and I own that. However, good grammar is like rainbows – lovely and more rare than it should be and always appreciated! 😉

Comment by The Grammar Doctor

I didn’t realize that it was grammatically incorrect so I plead ignorance and apologize and I promise that it will more then likely happen again.

Comment by Ellen

Gee golly. One day you might be able to write a book about how you were able to snag yourself a doctor with a mild psychological disorder after making the effort to follow the rules of proper grammar in your blog posts…. :-p

Comment by Eric

Those pathetic books exist because so many women (have been made to) believe that they’re somehow flawed if they’re not in a relationship. And if they can’t meet that extra special man being who they are, then obviously they need to alter their personality and interests until they can make it work.

This reminds me of the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”, which was given to me (or should I say passed on, like as part of some secret club) by a woman I work with. If you want to be entertained and angered at the same time, I’d recommend it. Some key points:

– men hold all of the power in the world. clearly, the bold leaders they are will have absolutely no excuse to ever avoid pursuing a woman they’re interested in.
– guys are never shy or busy, and never have trust issues.
– if he doesn’t want to marry you, stop wasting your time.

Comment by ProblemSleuth

also, i used vanilla honey bubble bath tonight. i better leave that bottle out in a conspicuous place so when a handsome male friend comes over, he’ll notice it and realize i’m the lady for him. shit, maybe that only works with sheets. i have a lot to learn.

Comment by ProblemSleuth

The deep dark secret of the male gender: We have no fucking clue what we’re doing either.

Comment by Ian Mathers

^^there’s a wise man. perhaps these self help gurus should start working on the men’s market? cha-ching!!

Comment by Trung

There’s no wonder the ladies who read these book have trouble getting men to commit to them if they go for the kind of man who will only walk across the room to talk a girl if she looks ‘super hot’ (read – has tits out).

Also, down with fake smells! Ellen, I’m with you – a man smells best when he smells all manly like (yep – sweat!) and according to the boys I know women smell best when they smell of lady skin not gag inducing sweet perfumes like vanilla.

Sorry, thats my rant over now. Have a nice Easter hols everyone 😀

Comment by Amy

my favourite part of this is how your “men like vaginas” research probably takes just a large a sample size as all these “gurus”

therefore, you should write a book called MEN LIKE VAGINAS and talk about how everyone loves each other’s sweat.
and then go onto the tyra banks show and watch her unleash her inner fury.
both would be dreams come true, yeah?

Comment by Alex

Ha, I see a market winner here….in fact a see a future blog post… I read “he is just not that into you” as well problem sleuth, and I completely agree, it basically depicts men as primitive creatures who have somehow evaded having any self confidence/insecurity issues, and are the most black and white creatures in existance, whilst women are just mental. It doesn’t really do men much of a service either.

Comment by Ellen

Men are swine; actually that’s demeaning of swine. Men are more akin to roaches; nasty, rapcious, night crawling beast, traveling in packs and spreading their fetid stench through the alleys of life. As a man, I say eradicate the bastards from your life and bliss will ensue.

Comment by KendoZendo

I would say put a stem on dating advice books first rather then get rid of either of the sexes in general x

Comment by Ellen

yeh, plenty of opportunity to fix the problem before we resort to nuking anything.

Comment by Trung




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