Look, it’s satirical by Ellen
April 9, 2009, 8:12 pm
Filed under: CHAFF

Inspired by the responses to my recent Tyra-aide I have decided to write a dating advice book for men.

I hope it will aid them with their long and lonesome search for the right woman.

Enrich their lives.

Enable me to appear on This Morning.

Advice For Men on Dating Women or She Is Just So Into You !

(This is a small segment of my work, still looking for a publisher)

  • Are you spending your Friday nights alone whilst your other friends are all hooking up with beautiful women and boasting about how great they were at intercourse the next day?
  • Do you see women in bars with great racks but shy away from telling them? Are you tempted to ring a girl who had a brain, instead of holding out for a hottie?

Then this is the book for you. I promise you that by the end of your reading experience you will have the skills and the knowledge to emotionally scar hoardes of women, and guess what? They will all come begging for more….

Some Random Snippets of Advice:

  • Women love talking about shoes, dresses and anything shiny (much like magpies) so do your research… buy the latest issue of Vogue, Cosmo and Glamour and make notes on all the latest summer trends. Ask them lots of questions about their clothes, but make sure you stare at their breasts the entire time so they know you are still all man. Women love compliments, try going up to a girl in a bar telling her you would so “hit that,” and then point at her friend and say “but not that.”
  • Women love to be validated more then there female friends. Women are insecure (even if their really hot), so take advantage of this. Make sure that although you are giving hot girls compliments, you are also following them up with off the cuff insults. This will confuse them and make them feel like they have to prove something to you. For example, tell a girl her bottom is really perky, but it’s a shame about her thighs. Then offer to buy her a drink.
  • Never call a girl straight away if you really like her, the longer she waits the more desperate she will be to give you head.
  • Make sure you buy her flowers and diamonds, and always take her to see romantic comedies with Drew Barrymore or Jennifer Aniston in. Save your more intelligent and manly films for your own time, it will just confuse your lady.
  • Women love men who are ripped and muscled, so make sure you talk about all the sit-ups you do at regular five-minute intervals. Try and meet her after the gym some time, you don’t even have to go, simply spray some water on yourself and wait outside five minutes before you are due to meet.
  • Try hanging out by the ice cream section in the supermarket, this is where most women can be found at all times, if a hot chick reaches for the diet stuff then slap her hand away and tell her she looks like she has earned some Ben and Jerry’s.
  • Don’t take her out with your friends on a sports or a lad’s night, the beer and the grunting will just upset her sensitive ways, and she won’t get all the jokes, instead introduce her to your friends on safe territory… which unfortunately is difficult because men and women don’t’ like any of these same things. Just hide her away until you think you might cave in and marry her because she nagged too much.

6 Comments so far
Leave a comment

It sounds like you could’ve also penned this blog:
..”randomly” linked from your entry above.

Interesting that the same author who gives such solid advice on love calls Oprah a new age witch and Obama “the fulfillment of the Islamic prophecy”. He knows the way into an intelligent woman’s heart, no question about that.

Comment by ProblemSleuth

Hey, wait a minute! This blog entry seems cynical to meee….

Comment by Trung

It sounds like The Todd’s dating advice guide.

Comment by Reece

that advise about the ice creame is quality.

Comment by Rick

Finally, the guide I’ve been waiting for!

Comment by Rob

People really do go to supermarkets for the sole purpose of finding a date?

I just imagined a guy holding an empty basket, leaning against a refrigerator door in frozen foods, waiting for a prey… and the advice still has good potential.

Comment by Diana

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