Offside rulez? by Ellen
May 5, 2009, 8:10 pm
Filed under: CHAFF

So the boys are all watching some kind of “footie” match, living up to these basic gender stereotypes godz… but I was thinking about it and I reckon I vaguely understand what the off side rule is, but i don’t want to ask for any external help just yet in case I have figured it out.

Is it when Player A, (Smithee John of BrianMay United) is nearer the goal of the opposite team (Belltown Thursday) then the defender of that team?

Am I close?

Or is it far more elaborate and mythical involving the immediate disqualification of any one under 5 foot in a golf cart on the pitch or something?


WTF? Please post your imagined board room pitches for this film.


some photos of studio fun tomorrow.

Ellen x


8 Comments so far
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Dwarves and lots of them! Insert storyline at later point.

Comment by jamie

I think this explains how that movie got pitched

Comment by Nick

You have half of the rule right. The other half involves when the dwarf in the golf cart is kicked by a teammate of Player A.

Comment by Eric

Nick. Thank you. That is…words can not do justice to how good that is…I think its a compliment to his work!

Comment by Ellen

“okay, listen up guys! i’ve got this idea for a movie. me and mel gibson were at lunch the other day, and we saw this midget. i lean in to mel, and i says, ‘mel, i’ve got a plan, go with me on this’, and we go over to his table, pick him up, and start throwin’ him around like a football. and right in the middle of it all, just as he starts crying, i think, ‘hey… hey, wait a minute! there’s something to this… there’s a whole group of people to be exploited here!’

so here’s what we’ve got- matthew mcconaughey meets this girl… and his whole family is made of midgets! it’s perfect! some kind of calamity ensues, blah blah blah short joke, and bam! it writes itself. i tell ya boys, this picture’s gonna make a million dollars!”

i’m quite sure this is scarily close to how it all went down.

Comment by rp!

“So there’s Gary Oldman and he is a struggling lawyer who has spent 10 years of his life trying to take down this huge arms company, his brother was once in the marines and lost his sight because of a malfunctioned weapon produced by this corporation. His investigations over the years lead him to discover that there shoddy workmanship and insistence on cutting corners has injured and killed more then 1000 American troops. But the thing is, they are so powerful that no one will believe him, and no one will speak on the subject, and all these people keep turning up dead. This film is about his struggle against “the man.” What do you think? Well I guess he could have a quirk….. but that’s not really the… A midget? I don’t think so… that might detract from the…well I guess it might make people more aware….well I don’t want you to cut the budget over that. Ok. Fine. He is a midget, whatever, but other then that this is a powerful and important story… I have spent years of my life trying to bring this to screen. No he isn’t married, it’s not really relevant… who? The one out of Van Helsing? Erm…I’m not sure… she could play his wife I guess… she would play whose wife? Who? The Kate Hudson guy? No way absolutely not. What is he even for? Please don’t call security… his brother? Could he just pop up briefly? I don’t care if you owe him a favour because he got you a VIP pass to Disney world… so he is normal sized and Gary Oldman is a midget? What has that got to do with the arms company? Oh I see… so its about that now… well could it reference his struggle… one line? Half a line? Nothing? Please, this could get us Oscars! What do you mean it’s not “fashionable” anymore! “

Comment by Ellen

I don’t know what the pitch was like, but I can imagine the conversation when they finished the test screening for studio execs.

“Exec 1: (stunned silence)
Exec 2: Let’s never smoke pot and greenlight movie projects ever again.
Exec 1: Definitely”

Comment by Brendan

Gary Oldman in the role of a lifetime? Really?!

I think the pitch was probably along the lines of “look, we’ve got this really shit script for a movie but it’s okay. We’ll make half the cast midgets and make a joke out of not talking about the fact they’re midgets. One of the main characters will be Jewish, so we’ll have that demographic watching just for representation appreciation. Oh, and Gary Oldman has agreed to be a dwarf in the movie. It can’t go wrong!”

Comment by Sam

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