Pointless Activity Numero 10 by Ellen
May 7, 2009, 10:01 pm
Filed under: CHAFF

A new favorite activity of mine involves taking a old news story and trying to turn it into a Hollywood pitch. It’s pointless and harmless and is much like making things out of tin foil along to Blue Peter but then trying to eat the tin foil just to see what it feels like…Feels weird just in case you wondered.

Anyway here is my latest (and first) effort in a game I like to call “pointless activity number 8” or “Hollywoodizing the news”

Firstly a Synopsis of The News Story: On the 21st of March 2009 Google’s “Street View” went online in the UK, this technology allowed people to take a 360 degree tour of 25 city’s from the comfort of their computer, however some images were removed for invading privacy laws including one showing a man coming out of a sex shop in Soho.

The Hollywood Pitch:

A one syllabled sexy yet scruffy man is on the run for his life, unwillingly partnered with his glasses clad sexy photographer ex girlfriend. One syllable has unwittingly found himself involved in a global computer conspiracy, which threatens to destroy the world….unless he can figure out how to put a stop to it. Its one man against “The Man’s” unquestionable thirst for consumerism in a world full of pain.

Brad/Buck/Ben is a sad mess of a man who eats noodles from a bin whilst playing World of Warcraft/Day of The Tentacle. He was recently fired from the world’s largest Internet server Noogle after he found their new product City View too unsavoury for his ethical code. He is a man with morals who is potential sexy. His best friend still works for them but the day after City View is launched he is brutally murdered and our hero is framed for the crime! 

The night before the brutal murder our hero was on the Noogle site and happened to noticed this odd looking guy coming out of his apartment building with a really big knife and a balaclava but he didn’t think much of it at the time but now…. it all makes sense. He tells the cops (Ed Burns with a wig) about the picture, but they don’t believe him, luckily he sent it to his sexy photographer ex girlfriend to check out (Kate Hudson in glasses.) However when she agrees to help him they both start getting framed! Bank cards bounce! There photos are in convenience stores! He has to cut his hair and have a shave! Oh he is sexy. 

They find the knife man, but he is dead!

The audience by this point will be like “NO WAY!”

Then the police turn up and although they escape Buddy tells Ed Burn’s he is so innocent. He doesn’t shoot him when he has the chance (it’s not like the fugitive, they can’t sue, the dead man has a knife not one arm, plus Ford owes me a favour). This makes whigful Ed Burns begin to think there is something fishy going on, and he starts investigating Noogle, and discovers it was invading privacy laws with City View…. 

Anyway our two hero’s end up finding out more info (someone approaches them in a diner whose wife was molested by Noogle and he wants to spill,) which leads them to the final showdown with Noogle’s boss.

He confesses everything, saying how they had to kill Ben’s friend because he was going to tell everyone about how City View was being used by the mafia/bank/ Richard Bacon/devil.

As the Noogle boss who is the guy who plays the farmer in Babe tells them his plan from behind his big office chair the police turn up, and the boss tells Ed Burns to shoot the guy, but Brad/sexy bespectled slut have e already put it up on twitter. Luckily Ed Burns is a follower of there’s, and he tells the evil boss that the game is up. He gets a shot in at Brad, but is shot by Burns first and falls out of the huge glass window of his office toppling 800 floors, shouting out “nooo!!!!!”/ “WHHHYYYY!!” or “That’ll do piggggg!!!”  as he plunges to his death. Brad lives and Burns and the girlfriend gather around his hospital bedside, and they made some joke, and then maybe the credits should have a song by The Fray.

 Sample dialogue from script:

“You have not been the same since she left.”

“I’m just an innocent man in a crazy mixed up world”

“I never stopped loving you, I just stopped loving what you had become.”

 Suggested Film Names

The City View of Death

Bad Technology

The Butterfly

Budget will be 500 million

Ellen x 


9 Comments so far
Leave a comment

well, if there’s a hospital scene, of course it needs a song by the fray.

when i’m reading your blog posts, i engage in a pointless activity of my own: which LC! member is posting this?! (i was really thinking this one was gonna be a gareth.)

in any case, how about “a streetview named DISASTER”

Comment by ben

I play that same game, Ben, I guessed Ellen cause I remember her pitch for a McConaughey movie

I feel like one could do this with Swine Flu but it’d be far far too easy

Comment by Nick

My name is there now! I do apologise. Swine Flu is as obvious as a small dog in a bag… it is far more challenging to do the guardian website headlines which are 20th most read, and completely inane.

Comment by Ellen

maybe on the way down ed burns could yell “NOT THE BEEES!!!!”

Comment by ben


Comment by Ellen

ha ha – A fantastic pitch – surely worthy to grace any Hollywood screen. It’s more intricate than most things they put out – i wonder if that’s how they write all their scripts?

Why, when i read the word Noogle, do i think of a chocoloate bar? has that well known search enginey place taken control of my brain waves and are telling me they’re soon to introduce some crunchy chocloate jelly altnerative to the wine gum and the mars bar market? Or am i just nuts!!!!

Comment by MrDMouse

Methinks that this would be better than the next “Transformers” movie. In other words, a huge hit.

Comment by The Other Kyle

Haha I would’ve never guessed that you were behind this Ellen. Now I think I love you.

Comment by Antonio

This is the best thing I’ve read all day. By Far.

Comment by neil

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