May 30, 2009, 4:29 pm
Filed under: CHAFF

This is THE official guide to this evening’s Britain’s Got Talent Final. Nevermind the tabloid press and TV Coverage, this is the only place you can guarantee an unbiased and informative breakdown of tonight’s potential winners and definite massive losers.


bgt website says – “The group are one big happy family, so their chemistry on stage is real. They only formed Diversity in 2007 when the younger dancers combined with the older ones. In the 2007 they won the UK dance championships. Ashley who is the group’s choreographer tries to create a dance style that is eye catching and entertaining using films such as Transformers for inspiration.”

gc! says – Right, first off, what retard are they letting write this stuff? Actually didn’t see these when they were on the telly, which is a poor start I suppose on my part, I am sorry, but this is what you need to know: not as pretty looking as flawless. Might just be the outfits, but they look a bit rough. Most important thing is, there’s a pair of brothers in the group with the surname ‘Banjo’. That’s gold,. Gotta go far in showbiz with a name like that.

Susan Boyle

bgt website says – “She lives at home with her cat Pebbles and has never been married, or kissed!  Susan has been singing since she was 12 years old and regularly attends her local church and helps them out however and whenever she can.”

gc! says – Is she mental? I’m not trying to be provocative, I’ve not heard her speak and she has all the hallmarks of being properly mental. My gran saw her on the news this week, and apparently she’s having loads of teeth work done. If they made her really fit, that’d kind of defeat the point of her, wouldn’t it? Obviously after this, she’s gonna have loads of cock queuing up, and a lot of tough decisions to make. This is a very similar situation to what I experienced when I shot to fame, so I’d be happy to offer her any advice. Susan – call me bbs.


bgt website says – “They have entered the competition to show that Britain has got talent and has talented dance groups that are better than the Americans.”

gc! says – Is Susan Boyle writing these? Seriously, this is the biggest TV show in the UK at the moment and they’ve hired some absolute illiterate to write these profiles. Couple this with Holden’s constant barrage of blowjob innuendo and I am DISGUSTED that kids are watching this stuff.

Anyway, I like Flawless. Liked the effort they went to to mash up their own music to perform to in the week, and they seem like funny fellas. Wouldn’t mind them winning.

Shaun Smith

bgt website says – “Shaun wants to be known for having a good voice and would love to perform at the Carling Academy in Birmingham. He just wants to make people happy through his singing.  Shaun’s other big love is rugby which he plays three times a week.”

gc! says – FUCK YOU SHAUN SMITH, I HAVE PLAYED AT BIRMINGHAM CARLING ACADEMY ALREADY, WELL THE ACADEMY TWO, BUT WE PARKED IN THE SAME PLACE THAT YOU WOULD, SO FUCK YOU. Don’t like Shaun Smith. Sure he’s probably a lovely guy, but as a rule I try not to like people that play rugby outside of school, and I’m jealous that him and Holden are probably all over each other. Just singing’s a bit boring anyway, innit? Wanna get a glock m8.

Shaheen Jafargholi

bgt website says – “Shaheen has been singing all his life but properly started when he was five. His Mum took him to his first singing lesson when he was seven and has never looked back”

gc! says – I bet his mum’s never looked back. Meal ticket, innit? How do you start singing properly? This lad’s alright. If you are gonna do just singing, at least have a gimmick like being young or something.Good voice for his age, reminds me of myself. Similar age at which I won my family a holiday to Butlins in a karaoke competition. Keep reaching for your dream young’n and you could one day be able to say the same.

Stavros Flatley

bgt website says – Demetrios and Michalakis are father and son and describe their act as two fat versions of Michael Flatly with a Greek element. In the restaurant he would provide entertainment to his customers after their meal. He took centre stage and would perform acts such as Stavros Flatly. His son occasionally visited the restaurant, however he had only heard what his dad did, he had never saw the act.”

gc! says – I can only assume the “Greek element” is their being Greek. And this sounds like exactly the sort of restaurant I hate. I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR STUPID DANCE, GIVE ME THE FUCKING BILL AND PISS OFF!

Right, so, okay, there are a lot of good things about Stavros Flatley. It’s always nice to see a father and son getting on well together. I like close families, and I bet they’re having a really great time doing this all together and having a laugh and that but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS IS FUCKING WEIRD. This is borderline child abuse. Sure it seems like a good idea now, but this kid’s gonna want to get a girlfriend one day, and he’s always gonna be the fat kid who got touched up by his dad on national telly. And the dad’s got a GAME PLAN. All the “thank you for letting me dance with you, son” bollocks. YOU’RE THE BRAINS BEHIND THIS DEMETRIOS, WE ALL KNOW IT.

Julian Smith

bgt website says – “He has been working for years to become successful and has performed at pubs and restaurants in and around Birmingham. He would love to play larger arenas including theatres, and wants to be the centre of attention where everyone is focused on him. He is currently a saxophone and clarinet teacher although he used to also teach the bassoon.

gc! says – Proper hate this bloke. Seriously needs to man up. He’s 38 years old and he whines like a little baby. Guess he’s pretty hunky looking, but I bet he always crys after sex. If you’ve not made it by that age you should do the dignigied thing and give up. Kudos to him for being able to teach a monkey how to play the clarinet, but he should have brought him on the show too.

Hate how people get excited cos he can play an instrument. Proper boring, that’s why people invented singing. And he’s got an egg head.

2 Grand

bgt website says – “John and Sallie are a family duo who have been singing together for 2 and a half years. John is part of a male voice choir, and Sallie has performed with the choir on a couple of occasions. John was formerly a singer for 30 years and was initially spotted performing in the local clubs in Sheffield.”

gc! says – First off, to state the obvious, John is a granddad and Sallie is a granddaughter, and this is the BEST BAND NAME EVER. Bet the old fella came up with it. Don’t like Sallie’s spelling of her name, who does she think she is? A plural?

The blurb on the BGT website uses the word “perform” or derevations of that word EIGHT TIMES in 3 paragraphs, again, it’s embarassing to read. Strangely, it doesn’t mention that John’s wife is dead. Obviously that’s a big bargaining tool in reality TV, so they should have milked it a bit more. On the show the other night they showed John snogging a photo of her, and after his performance Dec said “[your wife] will be Up There watching”, and gesticulated vertically. I got a bit excited, thought she’d been operating the lights and was gonna come down as a lovely surprise, but it wasn’t to be.

Not quite as creepy as Stavros, ’cause there’s less bodily contact, but still.

Hollie Steel

bgt website says – “Hollie loves to perform and adores being the centre of attention whilst on stage. She is always trying to better herself and extremely busy throughout the week either singing, dancing or playing the piano.”

gc! says – Hate this little turd. Seriously, she’s not the “bravest girl in the world”, no matter what the paper of the person sat infront of me on this train, says. Listen to this COWELL: When I was about 7 I got my big toe stuck in the electric fire in my living room, and couldn’t get it out for about 20 minutes. NOW WHO’S FUCKING BRAVE!?!? WHERE’S MY TWO PAGE SPREAD IN THE SUN!!?!

The real heroic thing to do would be to say “I messed up, I’m not gonna cry and stomp my feet and that, let’s go to an ad break and hopefully that advert with Vinny the Panda will be on and we’ll be off air before my mum gets the chance to storm onstage demanding I get another chance …” OH NO TOO LATE! Think I hate her mum even more. Your daughter was shit, get off the TV before you cause yourself more embarrassment.

Hoping she cries tonight, then maybe pisses herself too.

Aidan Davis

bgt website says – “Aidan is a street dancer who loves music and although he has natural rhythm he has never had any dance lessons. He is a self taught dancer incorporating locking and popping moves into all of his routines. He has only been dancing for 6 months and taught himself through watching MTV and using the internet.
Aidan is a very active child, who loves football and plays rugby for his school team.”

gc! says – Nice lad. Proper. Likes things that 12 year old boys should like. I like football and the internet and I’d love to have sky telly, so I reckon we would get along a treat. Dancing’s a bit boring but I wouldn’t mind if he won.


So, there it is. The official guide to BGTFINAL2009. Sorry to those of you outside of the UK who are unable to tune in, but I think my commentary has brought the whole event alive in almost as exciting and convincing a way as a television could. Stavros are gonna win and it’s gonna be shit.


20 Comments so far
Leave a comment

If Stavros wins I’ll throw a brick at the television.
Hoping Diversity win, but y’know, with all the publicity Susan gets, it’s sure to be her.

Comment by Alex

It’d better not be Susan cos I don’t think her voice is all that brilliant. At worst it’ll be that little shite Holly Steel character. Whatta brat.

Comment by Liv

your right about it being shit, i’m watching it now

Comment by James

I am pulling for the fat Greeks. Hopefully they can pull of the upset win.

Comment by Drew

Susan or the little crying girl will win. Wish Diversity would though.

Comment by Shaun

Britain’s Got Talent, the only form of child abuse that can be watched live by 14 million people.

Comment by ciaran

haha the big toe this commentary, spot on 🙂

Comment by lucyyyy

hollie steel’s Crying was brilliant.

Comment by eden

i hate this god damb program. fail. it all fails. although some acts were pretty good.though i didn’t pay much attention to it.

Comment by ellen

“she dreamed a dream – and it almost came true”

Why is there BGT news on the webpage for our local (Ontario, Canada) newspaper!?

Comment by Julia

BWAH, amazing commentary! I was happy to see Diversity win. Susan Boyle can go off and play Madame Thenadier in a production of Les Miz or something.

Comment by AC

So,who won then? x

Comment by Veee

erm, shouldn’t you be rehearsing?

Comment by jesusman

I completely agree with the annoying spelling of ‘Sallie’. It agrravates me more because of ‘Hollie’ steel. What’s wrong with a ‘y’?

Comment by Patrick

shit, you should write like this more often. i like seeing little shits cry deservingly too! oh, i don’t watch on account of me being aussie, but did you just find two very similar photos of diversity and flawless? or does the same bunch of guys do a costume change midway through the show? also i’d like the topless greek father-son duo to be explained. mainly the topless and the dance element to them. i do agree with your point about it being child abuse and sympathise for the kid.

Comment by Trung

Made me laugh a lot, esspecially since it’s what i’d love to tell my friends but im not witty enough too >:{

Got the postcard, going to email it in a minute

Comment by Ste

You missed out the fact it clearly states that “Sallie” is a man. Read again!

Comment by Rich

I am bothered by the fact that there was something about Susan Boyle in The Oregonian recently. =(

Also being that I am American, and thus have no access to BGT, I would like the Greek dude and his son explained, by somebody.

Comment by Holly

The person from bgt websight that comented on holly performents should have had his head instead of his toe stuck in the fireplace then maybe it might have removed the stupidity from his brain.
And by the way you have a very dirty potty mouth
your food must taste good.

Comment by frizzer

I only just read this but this is hilarious and has been the highlight of my day.. which is a little sad maybe.

Comment by Tamara

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