Filed under: CHAFF
I have not inflicted my irreverent ramblings onto this page in a while, and I am sorry for that, it is largely due a disease I have come down with called Twilightitis. It is a rare and troublesome problem which tends to target teenage girls and it has many symptoms, the main affliction being the inability to form coherent thoughts which do not relate to the forbidden love between a klutz and a vampire.
But of course I jest, Twilightitis is neither a real or clever made up disease, instead it is a contagious and stupid obsession with a series of books which has effected my life and the lives of other women I know. Sadly these are intelligent women who have read novels with long words and abstract ideas but somehow they can’t help themselves with the coke like substance that it the absolute twaddle of Stephanie Meyer…
Here are some problems I have with this book, which briefly took, over my life. If you have read the series I would like to hear back how it has effected you and your general existance.
(WARNING CONTAINS SPOILERS, ONE HARRY POTTER SPOILER AND UNSUBSTANTIATED RANTS)
- Everytime I purchased the next instalment (like the day after finishing the first one), I would find myself in a book shop desperately searching for the the M bit of the teenage fiction section. I could never find it or bring myself to ask the staff to point out the direction in which it lived due to deep and burning all consuming shame. I felt so dirty because deep down I knew it was just pages of inane dialogue, repeated descriptions and a plot threaded together with ideas from other superior books with a underlying unsubtle message of “sex is bad before marriage you naughty teenagers.” Yet somehow I was addicted to Bella and Edward’s stupid love..
- The whole imprinting thing was a little bit dodgy in places, all these grown werewolf men falling in love with 4 year olds was a bizarre sentiment to write about, seemingly made justifiable because they wouldn’t touch them until they were of age, just act like their over friendly uncle for ten years…. That’s not really better.
- I found myself joining the facebook group “Twilight give’s me unrealistic expectations of men,” because none of my boyfriends have saved my life a billion times and bought me cars and got me into dartford whilst being able to fly and that.
- The message of complete obsession with someone in your first relationship when you are 18 is maybe not a good one to give out to teenagers, particularly the whole “we can’t be together, suicide it is!” parts.
- I thought Bella should have just had sex with Jacob or Mike or all of the other guys that fancied her, they could at least have satisfied her hormonal urges without possibly killing her and she could have spread her wild oats about a tiny bit before deciding to get married at 19….they could have put in a slutty interlude.
- I was meant to buy the fact that Edward was a vampire who use to eat people and like a serial killer who knits pictures of kittens, he has the skewed morality to not want to do the naked funky chicken until they were married.
- Bella spent most of the novels falling over, wanting to kill herself in place of everyone else and gazing at Edward longingly wondering why he would love someone as plain and boring as her.
- I wondered that too.
- I Stayed up til four in the morning to get to the sex scene only to discover that in it’s place was a blank space followed by a post-coital waking. In my delirious state I wondered if I had been doing it wrong, or whether he punched her and took advantage.
- I just wished Bella would die.
- She should really just have died.
- In fact they all should have.
- Why didn’t the other vampires just tell her to fuck off?
- I found myself wondering if Miss Meyer realised that there are only so many times she could describe Edwards perfectly smooth chizzled white chest, and how he traced Bella’s jawline with kisses or ran his fingers through her hair before she may be repeating herself/satisfying herself.
I know there are others who found it good/good instead of good/bad, as I did, but I hope we can all agree the ending was the biggest cop put in the world, with the whole thing building up to a fight to the death and then…. nothing. Everyone goes home. It’s all cool. Not one unnecessary death in the entire thing? Even one of the twins died in Harry Potter? What about Emmet, he did bugger all! Ok, calmed down. Rant ends. I apologize.
New Moon Trailer
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