June 24, 2009, 5:27 pm
Filed under: CHAFF

Right guys…

On the 26 May 2009, I asked one single, simple favour of you miserable bastards.

In a heartfelt plea I requested you help me become SEXIEST VEGETARIAN IN THE WORLD TWO THOUSAND AND NINE, an accolade that I, doubtless, deserve, by just clicking on a couple of  weblinks; and you useless turds couldn’t even manage that.

As a result, the male heat was won by somebody named ‘Milo Ventimiglia‘. I have no idea who this dick stretcher is, but his name sounds like something on the menu of a Korean branch of Pizza Express, and what sort of example is that?

Research has shown me this bellend is AN ACTOR. So, I ask you, HOW CAN WE EVEN KNOW THAT HE IS ACTUALLY VEGETARIAN AT ALL? It’s his job to pretend to be things he’s not, and you morons have been stupid enough to fall for it. I pity you.

I will certainly think twice before asking any one of you cock munchers to do anything for me again. Rest assured I feel there’s been a bond of trust between us BROKEN and it’s looking pretty irreparable right now.

The female victor was Kellie Pickler, contestant in American Idol 2006. Famously, I am a fan of such talent shows, and think that we’d have gotten on really well when we inevitably met. The picture above of Fido and Kellie meeting at the awards ceremony just doesn’t look right. For a start, Rover‘s head is really small

Here is an artist’s impression (thanks Aleks!) of what it would have looked like if I’d won and had the opportunity to meet the beautiful Kellie:

That’s me carrying her over the threshold into our love nest, after our wedding reception, where we would have dined on soya and broccoli and I would have fought her father and guilt tripped her into veganism AND I WOULD HAVE INVITED EVERY ONE OF YOU FUCKERS!!!

But no. Because of you lot, it’s not to be. Because of you lot I am not working on country duets with my little Kel Kel, and I am not hanging out with Taylor Swift, I am sat here in my bedroom carving a carrot into the shape of a dagger FOR YOU TO STAB ME IN THE BACK AND HEART WITH YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKS!!

2010: do NOT let me down, y’hear?


21 Comments so far
Leave a comment

i soooo voted for you.
i even said no to voting for myself for you.
oh well. i bet he’s not even a vegetarian.
look at him. its in the beard.
and shes not even sexy. whats up with her mouth?
all that meat she eats probably 🙂

Comment by Joshua

I think we’ve learned a valuable lesson here: Disappoint a Campesinos! at your peril.

Comment by Peter

Oh yes, and I voted for Milo.

Comment by Peter

I voted for you, even over gabe saporta… Shame you didnt win. But next year sure you will. Btw milo ventimiglia is that guy Peter from Heroes tv show

Comment by Chalico

Doesn’t the winner win like a nice lobster dinner or something?
You should thank us for helping preserve your values.

Comment by Jacob

Jeezo. If she won, that doesn’t say a lot for the competition.

Gareth, another reason for you to take the hump with Ventimiglia: he goes out with Hayden Panettiere (who would have been a far more worthy winner in retrospect).

Comment by Jamie

Wow, way to sarcastically be annoyed at yr fans. By the way, dude was in Gilmore Girls, which is pretty much the American television equivilant of Los Campesinos! Indie, incredibly funny, may make you cry, sexy as hell… Heroes suxxorx though.

When I get famous I’ll stop voting for you and vote for my wonderous meatfree self.

Comment by Samuel

Going to your wedding would have been nice, but Milo promised me a new car if I voted for him. Sorry, but your level of generosity/bribery just was not Oprah enough.

Comment by Eric

A lesson for us all – never vote for the underdog.

Comment by Julia

I voted for you Gareth even over my beloved My Chemical Romance. But Milo Ventimiglia is on the most amazing show, Heroes. So show him some respect. 🙂
Plus, Milo’s been a veggie his whole life.

Comment by therealmtoys

For most people would feel insulted upon being called a “useless turd”, and “cock muncher”. I, however, am a masochist and feel we deserve your wrath. We tried, we really tried, but that Milo (isn’t that the name of powdered chocolate milk? jeez, he’s named after chocolate milk) had some tricks up his cheating sleeve.

Comment by DianaS

1. I voted for you.
2. That guy has the lamest hair I have ever seen. I recall watching Rocky Balboa and thinking about how much I hate his hair.. And acting skills.

Comment by Tess

is it just me or your Kellie has a hairy low back? haha

Comment by IL

Isn`t Kellie the one that thought that Europe was a country? Look on the brightside, Gareth, you won`t have to explain what Wales is.

Comment by sil

So much anger. Get some lard down your neck, you’re obviously lacking in protein.

Comment by Adam Hepton

Milo was my imaginary boyfriend last year for about six months, but then I found out he was dating his co star in Heroes and so my nighttime fantasies about him lost their realism. I now deplore him so I am upset he took this opportunity away from you as well as the fact his girlfriend kept turning up when we were hanging out in my dreams.

Comment by Ellen

Milo has superpowers and so obviously cheated. Don’t worry – Sylar will get him before next year’s competetion…

Adam Hepton – Lard doesn’t contain protein; it’s pure fat. Tsk tsk – all that meat must be draining your knowledge banks ;p

Comment by Gem

This must be why I mysteriously had this terrible dream that you just came to my house and shouted “I HATE YOU!” at me. It had nothing to do with anything else going on, either. Hmm.
Kind of sad to think about, now, since I voted for you.

Milo has that look in his eyes like he cheated. It kind of looks like when Tyra “smiles with her eyes” actually. How odd…

Comment by Clair

I voted for you over morrisey. Show some respect!!

Comment by KIA


Comment by Milo Ventimiglia

I LOVE of Milo Ventimiglia, he really is a cutie.

Comment by Linda

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