Filed under: CHAFF
On the 26 May 2009, I asked one single, simple favour of you miserable bastards.
In a heartfelt plea I requested you help me become SEXIEST VEGETARIAN IN THE WORLD TWO THOUSAND AND NINE, an accolade that I, doubtless, deserve, by just clicking on a couple of weblinks; and you useless turds couldn’t even manage that.
As a result, the male heat was won by somebody named ‘Milo Ventimiglia‘. I have no idea who this dick stretcher is, but his name sounds like something on the menu of a Korean branch of Pizza Express, and what sort of example is that?
Research has shown me this bellend is AN ACTOR. So, I ask you, HOW CAN WE EVEN KNOW THAT HE IS ACTUALLY VEGETARIAN AT ALL? It’s his job to pretend to be things he’s not, and you morons have been stupid enough to fall for it. I pity you.
I will certainly think twice before asking any one of you cock munchers to do anything for me again. Rest assured I feel there’s been a bond of trust between us BROKEN and it’s looking pretty irreparable right now.
The female victor was Kellie Pickler, contestant in American Idol 2006. Famously, I am a fan of such talent shows, and think that we’d have gotten on really well when we inevitably met. The picture above of Fido and Kellie meeting at the awards ceremony just doesn’t look right. For a start, Rover‘s head is really small
Here is an artist’s impression (thanks Aleks!) of what it would have looked like if I’d won and had the opportunity to meet the beautiful Kellie:
That’s me carrying her over the threshold into our love nest, after our wedding reception, where we would have dined on soya and broccoli and I would have fought her father and guilt tripped her into veganism AND I WOULD HAVE INVITED EVERY ONE OF YOU FUCKERS!!!
But no. Because of you lot, it’s not to be. Because of you lot I am not working on country duets with my little Kel Kel, and I am not hanging out with Taylor Swift, I am sat here in my bedroom carving a carrot into the shape of a dagger FOR YOU TO STAB ME IN THE BACK AND HEART WITH YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKS!!
2010: do NOT let me down, y’hear?
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