Filed under: CHAFF
So last week I watched two films. New Moon and 2012. Yep. In all honesty the latter was the better film.
John Cusack sleeping his way through another apocalypse fetish film as a limo driver/science fiction writer complete with his estranged family (and the token son who just wont call him dad!) was more entertaining then the tragic romantic love triangle of the human, werewolf and vampire.
So beware, there are SPOILERS HERE. Yes I may have bitched and moaned about these books and films more then anything in recent history but in equal measure I have had goosebumps over the trailers, fawned over the set pictures and put a poster up in my room….(DONT YOU JUDGE ME).
So the film starts and things are pretty much the same in rainy old Forks: Bella is as drippy and obsessed with Edward McConcrete Chest Cullen as ever as he wonders the halls in slow motion looking dreamy, and they can’t kiss for too long because he as much as he loves her he still might rip out her entrails and wear them as a party frock.
Yes my friends, everything seemed to be going swimmingly in the life of K Stew and R Pattz….except for one thing… who is that muscle clad pug nosed of a man with a bad wig? It is Jacob and he has been taking his steroids! Surely he can not interfere in their sickening non penetrative love? BUT ALAS during her birthday party she nearly gets eaten and Edward decides it is not safe for their love to continue so he flees.
Bella decides the only way she can cope is go to mental in a chair for a while, and thus begins the lasiest film making I have seen in a long time SHAME ON YOU CHRIS WEITZ!
It’s boring, its tedious, Bella is only allowed a personality in small tiny doses, and her eyebrows seem weird. Jacob is fetishised in a way no 16 year boy really should be, and seems spends most of the film hanging around topless with his other topless mates talking about he can’t tell Bella about their “secret.” It appears he has joined a chippendale group.
The only good scene in this film is a wooded sequence with a Thom Yorke song backgrounding the evil vampire Victoria prancing about in the woods looking for Bella as the werewolves close in. One good visual scene does not make a movie and it only picks up in interest when they go to see Michael Sheen at the end as the head of the evil Voltari.
Edward Pale Painted on Abs Cullen is absent for most of the film, giving Bella some well needed space to go mental and when he returns at the end you realise that missed old squished nose…. and when Michael Sheen appears to decide whether to punish him for nearly revealing the existance of vampires you realise you miss someone with charisma. Anyway Dakota Fanning is at the end and she has red eyes and when she says pain, people feel in pain.
It ends on a cliffhanger much akin to a bad episode of Sunset Beach and my soul felt heavy with grief.
Do yourself a favor, dont see this film, go on youtube instead and type in Wizard People by Brad Neely. Watch that instead.
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