New Moon Review SPOILER ALERT by Ellen
November 29, 2009, 2:40 pm
Filed under: CHAFF

So last week I watched two films. New Moon and 2012. Yep. In all honesty the latter was the better film.

John Cusack sleeping his way through another apocalypse fetish film as a limo driver/science fiction writer complete with his estranged family (and the token son who just wont call him dad!) was more entertaining then the tragic romantic love triangle of the human, werewolf and vampire.

So beware, there are SPOILERS HERE. Yes I may have bitched and moaned about these books and films more then anything in recent history but in equal measure I have had goosebumps over the trailers, fawned over the set pictures and put a poster up in my room….(DONT YOU JUDGE ME).

So the film starts and things are pretty much the same in rainy old Forks: Bella is as drippy and obsessed with Edward McConcrete Chest Cullen as ever as he wonders the halls in slow motion looking dreamy, and they can’t kiss for too long because he as much as he loves her he still might rip out her entrails and wear them as a party frock.

Yes my friends, everything seemed to be going swimmingly in the life of K Stew and R Pattz….except for one thing… who is that muscle clad pug nosed of a man with a bad wig? It is Jacob and he has been taking his steroids! Surely he can not interfere in their sickening non penetrative love? BUT ALAS during her birthday party she nearly gets eaten and Edward decides it is not safe for their love to continue so he flees.

Bella decides the only way she can cope is go to mental in a chair for a while, and thus begins the lasiest film making I have seen in a long time SHAME ON YOU CHRIS WEITZ!

It’s boring, its tedious, Bella is only allowed a personality in small tiny doses, and her eyebrows seem weird. Jacob is fetishised in a way no 16 year boy really should be, and seems spends most of the film hanging around topless with his other topless mates talking about he can’t tell Bella about their “secret.” It appears he has joined a chippendale group.

The only good scene in this film is a wooded sequence with a Thom Yorke song backgrounding the evil vampire Victoria prancing about in the woods looking for Bella as the werewolves close in. One good visual scene does not make a movie and it only picks up in interest when they go to see Michael Sheen at the end as the head of the evil Voltari.

Edward Pale Painted on Abs Cullen is absent for most of the film, giving Bella some well needed space to go mental and when he returns at the end you realise that missed old squished nose…. and when Michael Sheen appears to decide whether to punish him for nearly revealing the existance of vampires you realise you miss someone with charisma. Anyway Dakota Fanning is at the end and she has red eyes and when she says pain, people feel in pain.

It ends on a cliffhanger much akin to a bad episode of Sunset Beach and my soul felt heavy with grief.

Do yourself a favor, dont see this film, go on youtube instead and type in Wizard People by Brad Neely. Watch that instead.

Ellen x


43 Comments so far
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Yes! Wizard People, Dear Reader! Unlike these kids, Potter’s not just a tease since we know he goes full frontal.

But, as someone firmly outside the target demo yet still uncomfortable with watching such a cultural juggernaut pass me by, I want to know: am I missing anything by missing Twilight other than laffs? Like The Notebook (another No Boys Allowed entity), will the saga put me in touch with many complicated feelings, including but not limited to fears of alienation and being naked around the opposite sex, or will I just appear creepy watching it in a theater full of young girls?

Comment by Eric

I saw this today on a date and we just spent the entire time making fun of it and laughing at the horrific dialogue. I was never expecting much, but good lord, if you took out the time Bella spends being tortured and gazing into the distance with her mouth half-open it’d be about half its running time.

My sister, who, for the record, loves LC!, got to go to a premiere of sorts and do a review for the most popular radio station where I live. The catch was that it had to be from a feminist perspective. Uh, she kinda tears it to shreds, as you might expect, but it is horridly accurate.

Check it:

The scene with Hearing Damage playing in it was awesome, though, but I was pissed off that they used the Grizzly Bear song from the soundtrack for like, 10 seconds max, and only to underscore Bella and Edward’s love for eachother. Bleh.

Comment by Laurence

Buffy ❤
I really, really want that t shirt design.

Comment by Lois

From what I have heard, the soundtrack has genuinely good songs. However, good songs alone are not gonna make me pay actual money to watch the movie. I downloaded the first one and laughed my way through it, but that’s about it. Apparently, girls as young as 10 are obsessed with Bella and Edward, and actually see them as role models for a semi-functional relationship.

Comment by DianaS

A poster? You sicken me.

Nice review though.

Comment by Laika

Yes! Wizard People, Dear Reader! The better film!

Comment by Peter

Once again Ellen Campsinos! makes the best blog post ever in regards to Twilight/Vampys/Wolfies in general. HA! Chippendales, I haven’t laughed so hard at my desk in a few days. I have no intentions of paying to see this film but am amused by the entire phenomenon so will probably download it illegally. I have absolutely no qualms about denying the Twilight Franchise money, anything teaching girls its ok to be personalityless drones who let their boyfriends bully them frankly deserves to be denied money.

They are totally in an abusive relationship, right? I mean, seriously Bella Swann, it is ok to have your own friends and personality.


Comment by Dianne

Lois, I want that t shirt more then anything else in this fragile world
Laika YOU JUDGED ME (hey it’s cool, I have a x men poster right next to it)
Peter, I love Brad Neely, have you ever seen his babycakes stuff? Rather bizarre but rather amazing and Dianne I think it’s time for me to move on from twilight….what other franchise can I get obsessed with? Ideas ?Suggestions?
I also forgot to say that a lovely lady called Seleena gave me some twilight fan fiction which I am currently working my way through, and its pretty fucking good so thank you for that!

Comment by Ellen


Have you been obsessed with Battlestar Gallatica yet? Because if not then there’s a few months of your life you won’t get back.

I have two other words “Arrested Development”.

The End.

P.S You should have that t-shirt design for sale on your next tour. I’d deff. buy one.

Comment by Paul

Damn straight! Although I guess it’s a testament to how terrible the film really is; I was never supposed to like it, but if someone as hyped as you were, found it to be shite, then it must truly be terrible. Hooray! I’ve got some not-terrible film reccomdentations to cleanse the feeling away?

Comment by Laika

Paul, I was, and still am in a way, and I played the boardgame the other day, it was nigh on impossible to actually play…. plus everyone seemed to know that I was a cylon despite my amazing acting skills.
I dont think the t shirt would really fit in with anything… I should just wear one in general in my downtime.

Comment by Ellen

I am genuinely considering buying that t shirt. Instead of getting into something new Ellen, just watch the whole seven seasons of Buffy again. I’m almost up to the 4th one now and my aim is to have watch them all before Christmas.

Comment by Lois

bitch magazine has more to say about this in a far better fashion then I ever will. I just read the Buffy comics to continue that series in my head, if dollhouse was any good it would be ok… but its not. Lets be honest.

Comment by Ellen

That’s pretty much all i’ve to say about this.

Comment by ciaran

Brad Neely is amazing. The video on George Washington is the best.

Comment by Shannon

ha! glad you’re liking the fic, I tried my best to make Bella less UGH! Is it terrible to say that I quite liked New Swoon, on thrid viewing it’s a lovable laugh fest! I need to get out more!

Comment by s

Question for Ellen: If you knew it was going to be terrible, why did you go see it? Didn’t you hate the first film too?

Comment by David

yes! was wondering when you were going to post this considering you saw the last film. the jacob image you posted was hilarious.

Comment by tps




Comment by Gareth

Ha, shows what you know Gareth! My mom doesn’t even like mushrooms, so your insult instantly loses all meaning. And I think your just as jealous as I am with that all CAPS post.

Comment by David

Hey David, i like things that are bad for me, what of it?
Ellen x

Comment by Ellen

You’re still being judged, Ellen. But at least you realise it’s bad for you, that’s the first step to becoming ‘better’.

Comment by Laika

Ellen, you’ve surely seen Firefly/Serenity?

Comment by Joel

I love gin and tonic

Comment by Kyle from TX

I would watch this film.
If it were narrated by Brad Neely.

Comment by Anna

P.S. If you want a new obsession, Ellen, Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace is an acceptable way to go.

Comment by Anna

P.P.S. I don’t know why that video is embedded. That was not my intention.

Comment by Anna

There was an article in a local paper today re. the (male) author’s opinion on why the ladies love Twilight so damn much. Things like… we like shiny things like Edward’s sparkley-in-the-sun body, as well as cheesy romance stories, and tales of inferior/superior couplings. Nothing says ego boost more than reading a story about how someone like my lowly self can hook up with the perfect man. Sigh. I need to read Bitch more often. P.S. I own the same jacket as Bella in Twilight and OMG is that embarrassing, but I do love that coat. and almost didn’t buy it b/c of the ad campaign, not the other way around.

Second, re. new franchises to jump on to. This isn’t a new suggestion, but oh so timely (for North Americans at least). Farscape has been re-released in one package for the price of what I paid for one season. Sci fi and Jim Henson fans – you need this, if you haven’t seen it already. I’ve only seen S.1 and look forward to having the $ to buy the set.

Comment by Julia

Hey Ellen, if you want a franchise to get obsessed with, there is always Twin Peaks, if you haven’t already seen it. 30 hour-long episodes eats up the time and it is mind-bendingly awesome.

Comment by Laurence

I should probably clarify that they’re 30 one hour-long episodes not…thirty hour-long episodes, because that would not be appealing at all.

Comment by Laurence

Yo, I have seen Garth Marenghi and Firefly, I have issues with David Lynch so am unsure of Twin Peaks, but I like this farscape idea, I saw a couple of episodes back in the day and I remember liking it…. I should also get the entire muppet series on dvd including muppets tonight. Kyle, are you ok? xx

Comment by Ellen

Ellen, that “i like things that are bad for me” comment could be terribly misconstrued…

Firefly and Darkplace are awesome, but when it comes to obsession nothing beats good old Futurama, gotta love that show.

As New Moon has now been totally spoiledfor me now – meaning i can never see it from fear of my head exploding – i’m going to go back to my glacier and replenish it with tears of salty joy.

(Work has turned my Brain into a puddle of goo)

Comment by Mark

I think what you mean mark is “that “I like things that are bad for me” comment sounds like something a character with big pouffy blonde hair in a eighties film would say, before she rides off into the sunset with the bad boy who drove his motorbike into school that day.”

Comment by Ellen

That is exactly what i meant. Gosh the eighties were awesome

Comment by Mark

Nice new pic by the way, in a totally non-pervy way.

Comment by Mark

loved the forest scene with thom yorke (singing , not running !) and , however trite it all was , it still reminded me of being in love. how sad is that? that is what happens when you get old !

Comment by michael

Jennifer’s Body is the anti-Twilight and a true successor to Buffy. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Just amazing. No longer in cinemas, unfort, and didn’t do very well @ the box office. But really, just… see it.

Comment by Mercer Finn

I’ve never read the books. I’ve not seem the first film. Most people tell me New Moon is crappy. And yet… I still feel the need to watch it at some point. It’s just well… muscled jailbait werewolves… (I know that’s wrong). Is it permissible to wait for it free on TV and then watch it on mute and fast-forward (like I did with that Tarzan series staring Travis Fimmel and Xena)?

With regards to Farscape. Watch! Best. TV. Programme. Ever.

Comment by Gem

They thing is Mercer finn, i saw Juno, so why would I want to put myself through that… and comparing it to Buffy, shame on you.

Comment by Ellen

Wizard People, Dear Readers FTW!

Comment by Chris F


You break my heart.

Comment by Mercer Finn

[…] “….Bella is as drippy and obsessed with Edward McConcrete Chest Cullen as ever as he wonders the halls in slow motion looking dreamy, and they can’t kiss for too long because he as much as he loves her he still might rip out her entrails and wear them as a party frock. Yes my friends, everything seemed to be going swimmingly in the life of K Stew and R Pattz….except for one thing… who is that muscle clad pug nosed of a man with a bad wig? It is Jacob and he has been taking his steroids! Surely he can not interfere in their sickening non penetrative love? BUT ALAS…” Thank you, LC! folks […]

Pingback by pretty little girl got a thing for me but you’d cut me open and let me bleed « pressed posies

But the 13 year old fan girls in my school would kill to have their own Edward sparkle sparkle Cullen. I do not understand why though.

Comment by Franchesca

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