This Grinds my Gears by Ellen
August 3, 2010, 5:08 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Hello self indulgent rant and platform in which to expunge and berate all the things which have been pissing me off in life this week…

This image you see before you  is not taken from GQ,Zoo, Nuts, Maxim or the classier pages of Horse and Hound, it is in fact a image in this months Total Film magazine.

The last time I checked Kelly Brook’s bit part in Piranha 3-D was not important enough in the film world to warrant a four minute contemplation LET ALONE a four page spread and tag line cover reading “Bikini’s in the Movies” by Kelly Brook. I would not mind if that was attributed to a vast essay dissecting the finer points of iconic clothing within fimilic moments by a credible actress but NO, its Kelly Brook saying ” Whatever, I’ll dress up as Princess Leia for you.” (actual quote)

I would not mind if it was a small picture in the “stuff thats going on in films this month” section but there is no valid reason I can think of which requires that much space and that many large scale images of a semi naked Kelly Brook. She didnt impress me in Smallville and she wont impress me in Piranha 3-D, and this magazine is not meant to be a naked lady booby magazine, I have nothing against those, this is meant to be a “modern guide to movies” supplement. Even Megan Fox would have made more sense….

Whats next? Is Heat Magazine going to start discussing the decay of the textile industry in order to pull in keen knitters who may have overlooked it? Is Bizarre magazine going to start promoting ladies who abhor  spandex for the more traditional reader? Is More magazines position of the fortnight going to be replaced with “funny cat of the week” for the lolz cats generation? (Not a bad idea) EH EH

To balance out this fall from grace I demand a four page photo spread of a naked William H Macy  with the tag line “Genitals in the Movies” by William H Macy, in which he discusses his favorite images of genitals within modern cinema and recreates those shots.

Ellen x


17 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I THOUGHT EXACTLY THE SAME THING. Except from the William H. Macy thing. That’s just kinda creepy.

Comment by Peter

Yeah, Ellen, I was with you until the William H Macy thing. I mean…that doesn’t even make sense, he’s an actor.

Comment by Nick

alright… how about Philip Seymour Hoffmans favorite hats in cinema

Comment by Ellen

I can live with that one.
How about Reese Witherspoons favourite chins?

Comment by Peter

Ellen, your blog rants never cease to brighten my days. Thank you so very much.

Comment by Shannon

good blogging.

am awaiting Gareth C!’s reply: ironic sexism wayhey LADS etc? no?

Comment by JJ

Hi Ellen, thanks for your illuminating piece there. For years I have been an avid campaigner for greater worldwide awareness of my genitals and have lobbied magazines and media conglomerates for a number of years with little effect. Perhaps together we can really get this issue going off in people’s faces. If you need/want any pictures then please don’t hesitate to contact me through my agent.

Comment by W H Macy

Dear Mr Macy,
thanks for your kind offer, I have taken this into consideration and am now drawing up some great set piece ideas. I was thinking we could really do something with your star turn in Jurassic Park 3 and a surreptitious hole in the Barney the Dinosaur costume.
Let me know
Ellen x

Comment by Ellen

total film’s the one with the pages of sex line adverts in the back right? always found that kind of insulting since other as far as I can tell every other non-porn magazine managed to get by without them.

Comment by metamagical

Totally agree Ellen. It such a shame that magazines like Total Film continue to do this, but I guess sex sells. It’s the same with Q, when i think back to what it was and compare it to what it is now I just want to get a toastie machine and slam it in Paul Rees face!
Still, at least the Guardian film and music section is out there. There’s one decent film and music publication out there

Comment by Alex

Total film is pretty shit, Ive always prefered Empire.

Comment by Emma

I have become really disillusioned with Empire recently as well, its reviews have gone completely mental in terms of star ratings, it seems like it can be somewhat over zealous…I am thinking about looking at White Lies, but that may be a bit too up market for me/lacking expose pieces about The Avengers

Comment by Ellen

Ha it seems absurd to me that considering the internet and more reputable movie magazines such as Little White Lies and… Empire I guess… exists, people still buy Total Film. How can they still have readers who haven’t been turned away by shoddy writing and/or awkward features such as this?

Comment by Samuel

Now I know why my lecturer reads total film

Comment by Lewis

I loved this post Ellen!

Comment by hugo

Good stuff

Comment by Grinds My Gears

Loved you guys at the El Rey–I only wish I had caught you when Ramona Falls opened for you as I love both and together it would have been exquisite.

Ellen, every time I think we don’t need feminism anymore, you remind me of why we do. You inspire me.

Comment by Diana Diaz

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